Whiskey and Donutholes

For as long as we’ve frequented Norwood golf course in Northern Wisconsin, we’ve played the dice game “Mexican.” The owner taught us how to play it so long ago, it hurts to think about when that was. Since that time, we’ve modified the game to fit our own drinking habits and needs. The resulting game is a little different from the original Mexican, but still just as fun and ridiculously drunk-inducing as always.

Equipment needed:

• Tap beer
• Hard liquor (various)
• One dice cup (usually plastic)
• Two dice
• Can of beer (or a pint) per each player
• A beer glass (6-8oz)
• A working liver

Players:

• 3 or more (to make it interesting)

Grab a chair at the bar or table. Going in a counter-clockwise rotation, start with the person at the 12 o’clock position (or close there of). The first person puts the dice in the cup and shake the dice in the cup, then slams the cup down on the bar, keeping the dice concealed. The person who shakes lifts the cup–covering it with their hands on the sides, if necessary–enough to keep the dice inside only visible to themselves. They examine the dice and look for any of the following scores below, keeping in mind that there is NO PREVIOUS ROLLER in the scoring rules below:

Scoring

• Normal scoring: Take the highest face value die as the first number of a roll. Take the lower face value die as the second number in the roll. For instance, if you roll a “five” and a “six”, the “six” is the first number, and the “five” is the second number for a total number of “65.” Another example: dice showing face values of “three” and “four” is not “34,” but “43″. This later example is where you can benefit from being a sneaky cunt and bullshitting a lot so others get drunk and start calling the smaller score in a drunk stupor. It’s an easy win.
• This scoring applies for everything except doubles, see “Doubles scoring” below .
• Normal scoring can be rolled as “Ties,” see below.
• Normal scoring can never beat a Mexican.
• Normal scoring note 2: the lowest possible normal score is “32,” which is a high face value die of “three” and lower face value die of “two”.
• Normal scoring note 3: the highest possible normal score is “65″, which is a high face value die of “six” and lower face value die of “five.” Doiy.
  
• Doubles scoring: If the roller rolls two of the same die, the number automatically beats any value rolled by the previous roller if the previous roller has rolled a normal score (above). For instance, two face value die with “fives” would be a “55″, which beats a “65.” If the previous roller rolls a “44,” the current roller must either tie (with a “44″) or beat the previous roll with a “55″ or better, including a Mexican.
• Doubles can be rolled as “Ties,” see below.
• Doubles can never beat a Mexican.

Instant win Scoring:

• Social: A “three” on one die and “one” on the other die is called a “social.” The roller of a social lifts the cup, exposing the “three” and “one” dice and calls “SOCIAL!”, in which everyone drinks. The roller then gets to roll again. CAVEAT: If the roller is rolling against someone else’s roll, the roll is not reset; the roller of the social must roll again and still has to beat the previous roller’s score.
• Ties: If the previous roller rolls a score–either a normal score or double–you can tie that score with the exact same score. If the previous roller rolls a “43″ and you then roll the same on your roll, you pass the “43″ onto the next roller to beat. If the previous roller rolls a “55″ and you roll the same, the “55″ gets passed to the next roller in the rotation to be beat.
• Ties note 1: Ties can occur on Mexicans, see below.
  
• Mexican: The holy grail roll. This one separates the men from the boys. The Mexican (or “Mescan” after you lose to a few) is big in this game, like the size Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Kindergarten Cop” big. A Mexican consists of the die face values of “two” and “one” (a “21″ for those keeping track). If you roll a Mexican, you automatically beat anything rolled by the previous roller, EXCEPT for a Mexican.
• If you roll a Mexican against the previous roller’s Mexican, the Mexican is passed on to the next roller in the rotation to beat.

Returning to the scenario, once the rotation is set and the first roller in the 12 o’clock position has rolled and examined his dice, he selects the applicable score from the above Scoring section. The roller than offers the cup to the next roller in the rotation, at the one o’clock position (if you are playing at a table). THE CURRENT ROLLER MUST NOT TOUCH THE CUP AFTER OFFERING THE SCORE TO THE NEXT ROLLER. Only the next roller can accept the score, by either touching the cup themselves, or telling the current roller to pass the cup to them (usually occurs if playing at a bar). TOUCHING THE CUP before the next roller has accepted the score is a grave mistake, and punishable by whatever means the group deems necessary. We’ve punched people in the balls for it. For serious.

Once the next roller–in this scenario, at the one o’clock position–accepts the score and touches the dice cup (or instructs the previous roller to pass it to them), the scoring above is in full effect. Now, the current roller must follow all rules above, including the PREVIOUS ROLLER rules. However, the current roller can also bullshit, below.

Bullshitting

• Bullshitting is when you either roll a score that cannot beat the previous roller’s score, OR the the current roller consciously choices to attempt to make the next roller in the rotation drink.
• Bullshitting involves lying about your score; either by faking a higher normal score than the previous roller, bullshitting doubles over a normal score or a previous double, or–if you are really ballsy–bullshitting a Mexican to someone.
• Bullshitting is risky business…see Penalties below. Bullshit cautiously, because if you are caught on a bullshit roll, you get penalized.
• For the person who is being rolled to, just saying “bullshit!” to the current roller is an acknowledgment that you don‘t believe their score. Calling bullshit is like herpes, it can’t be undone.
• For example, if the previous roller that rolled to you had a “55″, and you roll a “43,” you can bullshit a “55″ (for a tie), or a “66″ to the next roller in the rotation that you are rolling to. The next roller can either choose to accept the “55″ or “66″ and attempt to tie or beat it, or can call “bullshit.” If the person you are rolling to accepts the score you just bullshitted, you are free and clear. However, if the person you are rolling to does not accept the score and calls “bullshit,” you are fucked and are penalized according to what score you bullshitted using the Penalties chart below.

Penalties

• Penalties occur when someone is caught bullshitting (most common), or someone loses a roll. Losing a roll is weak and pathetic and should never occur, so don’t even fucking bother with it. However…
• Losing a roll penalty: if you must admit that you lost a roll because you lack a spin, you simply take a drink for losing a roll. For examples, if someone rolls to you a “54″ and you roll a “43″, and admit defeat on your roll (instead of attempting to bullshit a higher score to the next roller in the rotation), you simply take a drink of your beer. Easy enough, but why not go for the glory, pussy?
• Bullshitting a NORMAL score penalty: take a drink of your beer. It’s that easy. So if the person rolling to you rolls a “53″ and you roll a “32″ but bullshit a “65″ to the next person, and are caught bullshitting the “65,” you simply drink some beer. Easy enough. The danger zone is when…
• Bullshitting a DOUBLE penalty: If you are caught bullshitting a double to the next roller in the rotation, you do a shot for bullshitting on a double. For instance, if the person rolling to you rolls a “55″, and you get a “32″, but bullshit a “66″ to the next person in the rotation, and you are busted by them, you do a shot of liquor of your choosing (a saving grace).
• Bullshitting a MEXICAN penalty: Danger! Bullshitting a Mexican can get ugly real quick-like. Normally, bullshitting a Mexican is only done when you are rolled a Mexican to by the previous roller, but there are some of us among us who are ballsy enough to bullshit a Mexican when the previous roller just rolls a normal score. These people are the ones who have it in their head that they can win if they get everyone drunk before themselves. Rarely, this technique works, but it does make the game interesting.
• When you bullshit a Mexican and are caught, you must chug beer from the 6-8oz community glass (listed in the equipment list, above). There is no sipping. Chug it up, sport.
• When a penalty above is assigned, the score from that roller who was penalized is reset, and the next roller in the rotation has a clean slate, meaning they can roll a Normal, double, or Mexican score from above.
• Cock die penalty: When someone rolls a cock die (a dice that gets away from the person, or is exposed to either the next roller or the group), the current roller who rolled the cock die must take a drink of beer. The current roller then gets to roll again, still attempting to beat the score that they were rolled to.

The game continues going from person to person in a counter-clockwise rotation, with scores having to consistently beat the previous person’s score until a penalty is assigned and the score is reset. Continue the rotation until everyone passes out.

Let’s do an example.

In this examples, we’ll have Will (12 o’clock position), Hodge (one o’clock position), Richard (two o’clock position), and the fucking unbelievably luck Jim (three o’clock position). We each have a can of Coors Light, a wide selection of hard liquor, and 6oz of tap beer pre-poured in the community glass.

Round 1:

1. Hodge starts the game.  He rolls, hiding his dice from Will, and claims to roll a “54.”
2. Will accepts the score and takes the dice cup from Hodge.  Will rolls, hiding his dice from Richard, and claims to have rolled a “65.”  Richard accepts the score by taking the dice cup from Will.
3. Richard rolls a “43″, and notices that obviously this does not beat Will’s “65.”  Richard decides to bullshit because he has balls, and tells Jim that he has rolled “snake eyes” (two “ones” on the face of the die).
4. Jim examines Richard with a curious eye and decides Richard is bullshitting (which he is).  Jim lifts the cup and exposes the “43″ Richard has rolled.  Richard has lost, and must be penalized.
5. Since Richard has bullshitted two “ones,” which is a double, Richard has to take a shot.  Richard does Jagermeister because, again, he has balls.
6. Once Richard finishes his shot and stops crying, Jim rolls.  Jim doesn’t have to beat Richard’s score, because Richard lost and was penalized.

Round 2:

1. Jim takes his roll and claims a Mexican (again, die face values of “one” and “two”).  Will eyes Jim nervously, knowing that Jim probably does have Mexican in his cup because Jim is a lucky fucker.
2. Will accepts Jim’s score of a Mexican and takes the dice cup from Jim.
3. Will rolls, and tells Hodge he has rolled a Mexican as well (making this the rare two-in-a-row Mexican).  Hodge simply cannot accept that this phenomenon can occur, and calls bullshit.
4. Will lifts the dice cup and exposes a “two” and “one.”  A Mexican!  Hodge has been proven wrong for his bullshit and must now chug the community beer (called the “Mexican beer”).  Hodge slams the beer, and can now roll to Richard.
5. Hodge shakes off the impending drunk and rolls a “53″ to Richard.  Richard accepts the score.
6. Richard rolls a “65″ to Jim.  Jim doesn’t believe Richard’s score, and calls bullshit.  Richard lifts the dice cup exposing a “six” and a “five”, proving he is not a fucking liar.  Jim takes a swig of his Coors and takes the dice, with an “open roll” (that is, nothing to beat from the previous roller) to Will.
7. The game continues.

Any questions, concerns, or additions to these rules should be submitted to the Midwestern Commission on the Mexican Drinking Game (MCMDG) using the comment form below.

Thanks, and play safe.  Designate a driver.  For realsies, ’cause you’ll get f’ed up.

Calculus II final is OVER!  Not as brutal as I thought it would be… but if the stars align… I -may- get a B.

So to relax my soul and take the edge out a bit… I am imbibing a fine ale.  To be specific… Great Divides Oak Aged Yeti.  The beers base style is an Imperial Stout… so this should be an asskicker.

Nose is quite oaky with hints of roast and complex malt flavors… and, of course, alcohol.

Body is chewy and sticky (much like yo momma).  The flavor, on the other hand, is divine.  Big complex dark malts play with just the perfect amount of hop bitterness to give a nice balance.  Alcohol hides in the background and throws the ball back into the playground every now and then… but not too much.  It warms with the swallow (ask your mother about that one)… something that would be very nice on a cold winters day.

All-in-all… it lives up to its name.  After a couple of these it will feel like a Yeti punched you in the gut and shoved you in a oak barrel for a while.  This beer is exactly how I like my women… thick and black with some zazz.  A very fine ale that I highly suggest everyone checking out this beer… especially after a brutal final.

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It was a cold winters night. El Presedente had ravaged the troops and caused enough pain and agony to even make a wookiee lose his cookies. The next morn, to the sound of happily sober and hangover-less suburbanite tourists woke the troops with their gleeful shouts of joy and excitement… a sentiment not shared by the troops.

After mustering every ounce of strength possible, the troops went forth unto the breach again.

Tally-ho to The Gay Bar!

The Gay Bar is exactly what you would not think it is. Located in Gay Michigan, the bar actually lacks anything that one could find in a gay bar. In fact, I would go so far as to say, a person of homosexual nature would not even step into such a place, for fear of being strung up, drawn and quartered.

Driving up to The Gay Bar, the road is lined with snowmobiles and trucks that eat cars like mine for bedtime snacks. After finding a front row parking spot, we don our gear and move in.

Walking in, it looks like every other county bar out there. Thirty year old brewerania on the wall, NASCAR and various sporting calendars on the wall, and of course… the patrons. The patrons are your stereotypical county bar patrons… quite friendly for the most part, sans the douchebag hicks that look like the want to get drunk and fight. One patron engaged us in conversation for a good hour or two, and amazingly, most of said conversation took place without the patron removing the cigarette from his lips. This is a skill you will never see from a prep, hipster, or suburbanite… only from good ol’ country folk.

With KBC and Coors Light for less than $3… how can you go wrong? Nothing else was ordered aside from KBC beer or Coors, however, prices overheard from the friendly barkeep sounded fairly reasonable for the drinks. The bar food looked like, well, bar food. None was ordered, however, which I highly regret since what I saw looked delicious.

For my first time in the U.P., I thoroughly enjoyed The Gay Bar. Next time I go to the U.P., I am going to make sure to take 12-inches at The Gay Bar.

Cheers!

Welcome to the CSI: Miami drinking game rules. Try to keep up, as the point of this drinking game (as with any other drinking game) is to get you drunk as fast as possible. The only thing different with this drinking game is that you always fucking drink; there is no down time. So grab your beer and your Horatio sunglasses!

Governing rule 1: everything must be a consensus. This is fucking America, and we practice democracy here, for the most part (insert Bush Administration jab here). So if someone claims they see one of these rules and calls a drink, there must be a majority to rule on it. For example, if a lady shows her ample cleavage, but is not a cop but a suspect, that could be ruled as just your standard-issue seduction cleavage, not “inappropriate cleavage.” The group would have to rule as a whole as to whether or not the placement of said cleavage is appropriate to the case or not.

Governing rule 2: Don‘t turn the sound on. The weak dialog and terrible acting in this show will only want to make you drink more, which will ruin the game. Play fair, turn off the volume, and blast some music. We prefer TLC.

Moving along…

Rule 1: Horatio taking off/putting on his sunglasses

When Horatio–CSI: Miami’s red-headed hero–either puts on his sunglasses or takes them off, you drink. This one isn’t up for any sort of interpretation…just watch him do his thing. When it happens, take a drink. Plain and simple. The only caveat is you have to see him do it. If one frame shows him with glasses on, and then the next shows him with glasses off, that does not count and you do not drink.

Rule 2: Inappropriate cleavage

This one rule tends to confuse a lot of people, and for good reason. After the first five minutes of CSI: Miami, you can be pretty tossed if it’s setting up to be an epic episode. The “Inappropriate cleavage” rule relates to women only. At any given time that you notice inappropriate cleavage, you drink. You must define “inappropriately,” however. As stated above, a cop wearing a low-cut halter top at a crime scene is obviously inappropriate. A suspect in a murder case, however, may not be (unless she’s an old bag and just nasty, in that case, it’s ALWAYS inappropriate). Another notable instance of “inappropriate cleavage” is the morgue technician lady, who tends to wear shirts way to revealing for just being in a basement working on dead people. Use the democracy governing rule, it may save you a drink.

Rule 3: Ridiculous technology

Computers and cell phones nowadays are pretty rad, but unless you work at a super-secret Government facility or Microsoft, most of the technology found in CSI: Miami is pretty ridiculous. Any time you see this ridiculous technology, you drink. For example, the touch-screen, transparent computer monitor type deal (see picture at left)? C’mon, that’s just ridiculous. Did George Lucas help co-produce this fucking show? This isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation, here folks. This is 2008 Miami. What technology they may have like this would more than likely be stolen by a band of Cuban gangsters. Get real. Caveat: watch for the masked use of Google tools. Google is fucking high-speed, so when they use Google Maps or Google StreetView, someone may want to call “ridiculous technology.” Be wary, and use the democracy governing rule in this case.

Rule 4: Someone ’bout to get capped? rule

This is another easy rule. Any time you see someone (anyone!) draw a gun, you drink. Just like the “Horatio putting on/taking off his sunglasses” rule, you have to see the gun get drawn on the screen, otherwise it’s a no-go for the drinky.

Rule 5: On-screen visual effects are awesome! rule

No cool screen capture for this rule. You’ll just have to know it when you see it. At any time in CSI: Miami when the show does something wacky–like chase-cam a bullet into someone’s chest, or fades to black and does the “Matrix”-style black & white camera angling that recreate a crime scene–you drink. Since this is a cornerstone on which the CSI franchise is built, you’ll be drinking a lot.

Rule 6: Split screens rule

By this time, you’re probably pretty trashed, but Jerry Bruckheimer intends to ratchet up the cheesy drama even more. Prepare yourself for the split screen! Any time the screens split into two or more frames, you drink. This usually occurs after the half-way point of the episode, so be wary. Caveat: to make things interesting, you can make a drink be taken for every split screen that appears after two. So if the screen splits into four separate screens, take four drinks. Use with caution. People have puked blood when this rule is enacted.

Capstone rule: Mystery solved! rule

When the episode is nearing it’s conclusion, when CSI: Miami gets their man (or woman, or midget), you must prepare yourself for the “Mystery Solved” capstone rule. This is the last rule, and the one where you drink the most (although the “Split screens” rule can get up there in terms of volume). The “Mystery Solved” rule involves when the mystery is solved, and Horatio retires for the evening to his plush, “Miami Vice”-themed bachelor pad. You’ll know when the mystery is solved, because Horatio will put on his sun glasses for the last time in the episode, just before the credits appear. When Horatio puts on his glasses in a self-satisfying manner at the end of the hour, you finish whatever beer you have left. Case closed.

By the end of the CSI: Miami drinking game, you’re going to be tore the fuck up. Any episode will surely contain all these situations numerous times to make you drink. Again, remember, leave the volume off and be democratic about some of the rules that may be up for interpretation. We’re all friends here!