Welcome to the CSI: Miami drinking game rules. Try to keep up, as the point of this drinking game (as with any other drinking game) is to get you drunk as fast as possible. The only thing different with this drinking game is that you always fucking drink; there is no down time. So grab your beer and your Horatio sunglasses!
Governing rule 1: everything must be a consensus. This is fucking America, and we practice democracy here, for the most part (insert Bush Administration jab here). So if someone claims they see one of these rules and calls a drink, there must be a majority to rule on it. For example, if a lady shows her ample cleavage, but is not a cop but a suspect, that could be ruled as just your standard-issue seduction cleavage, not “inappropriate cleavage.” The group would have to rule as a whole as to whether or not the placement of said cleavage is appropriate to the case or not.
Governing rule 2: Don‘t turn the sound on. The weak dialog and terrible acting in this show will only want to make you drink more, which will ruin the game. Play fair, turn off the volume, and blast some music. We prefer TLC.
Moving along…
Rule 1: Horatio taking off/putting on his sunglasses
When Horatio–CSI: Miami’s red-headed hero–either puts on his sunglasses or takes them off, you drink. This one isn’t up for any sort of interpretation…just watch him do his thing. When it happens, take a drink. Plain and simple. The only caveat is you have to see him do it. If one frame shows him with glasses on, and then the next shows him with glasses off, that does not count and you do not drink.
Rule 2: Inappropriate cleavage
This one rule tends to confuse a lot of people, and for good reason. After the first five minutes of CSI: Miami, you can be pretty tossed if it’s setting up to be an epic episode. The “Inappropriate cleavage” rule relates to women only. At any given time that you notice inappropriate cleavage, you drink. You must define “inappropriately,” however. As stated above, a cop wearing a low-cut halter top at a crime scene is obviously inappropriate. A suspect in a murder case, however, may not be (unless she’s an old bag and just nasty, in that case, it’s ALWAYS inappropriate). Another notable instance of “inappropriate cleavage” is the morgue technician lady, who tends to wear shirts way to revealing for just being in a basement working on dead people. Use the democracy governing rule, it may save you a drink.
Rule 3: Ridiculous technology
Computers and cell phones nowadays are pretty rad, but unless you work at a super-secret Government facility or Microsoft, most of the technology found in CSI: Miami is pretty ridiculous. Any time you see this ridiculous technology, you drink. For example, the touch-screen, transparent computer monitor type deal (see picture at left)? C’mon, that’s just ridiculous. Did George Lucas help co-produce this fucking show? This isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation, here folks. This is 2008 Miami. What technology they may have like this would more than likely be stolen by a band of Cuban gangsters. Get real. Caveat: watch for the masked use of Google tools. Google is fucking high-speed, so when they use Google Maps or Google StreetView, someone may want to call “ridiculous technology.” Be wary, and use the democracy governing rule in this case.
Rule 4: Someone ’bout to get capped? rule
This is another easy rule. Any time you see someone (anyone!) draw a gun, you drink. Just like the “Horatio putting on/taking off his sunglasses” rule, you have to see the gun get drawn on the screen, otherwise it’s a no-go for the drinky.
Rule 5: On-screen visual effects are awesome! rule
No cool screen capture for this rule. You’ll just have to know it when you see it. At any time in CSI: Miami when the show does something wacky–like chase-cam a bullet into someone’s chest, or fades to black and does the “Matrix”-style black & white camera angling that recreate a crime scene–you drink. Since this is a cornerstone on which the CSI franchise is built, you’ll be drinking a lot.
Rule 6: Split screens rule
By this time, you’re probably pretty trashed, but Jerry Bruckheimer intends to ratchet up the cheesy drama even more. Prepare yourself for the split screen! Any time the screens split into two or more frames, you drink. This usually occurs after the half-way point of the episode, so be wary. Caveat: to make things interesting, you can make a drink be taken for every split screen that appears after two. So if the screen splits into four separate screens, take four drinks. Use with caution. People have puked blood when this rule is enacted.
Capstone rule: Mystery solved! rule
When the episode is nearing it’s conclusion, when CSI: Miami gets their man (or woman, or midget), you must prepare yourself for the “Mystery Solved” capstone rule. This is the last rule, and the one where you drink the most (although the “Split screens” rule can get up there in terms of volume). The “Mystery Solved” rule involves when the mystery is solved, and Horatio retires for the evening to his plush, “Miami Vice”-themed bachelor pad. You’ll know when the mystery is solved, because Horatio will put on his sun glasses for the last time in the episode, just before the credits appear. When Horatio puts on his glasses in a self-satisfying manner at the end of the hour, you finish whatever beer you have left. Case closed.
By the end of the CSI: Miami drinking game, you’re going to be tore the fuck up. Any episode will surely contain all these situations numerous times to make you drink. Again, remember, leave the volume off and be democratic about some of the rules that may be up for interpretation. We’re all friends here!
May 20th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Coolest.
Fucking.
Thing.
EVAR.
Period.
However, it’s pretty gawd-damned annoying to have to “sign-up” just to drop a comment on a blog.
Major Fail. Ruined by buzz.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
MY.
MY buzz.
FFS.